Wednesday, October 30, 2013

fall and falling

It's fall and I'm back in business, as it were.

It is that time of year ...or so the old cliche goes.  Fall is my favourite and now that I've been home with my children for a few years, and I don't have the beginning of term jitters, which some teachers have, that would haunt me from early August to mid October (a not so usual reaction).  Jitters for a few days, yes, months of anxiety, no.  That is not the way to spend several months of the year.

So, now that I can soak in the fall colours without that stress, my mind seems freer to contemplate and enjoy what is around me.  Living my vocation more fully has brought me to SLOW down mentally, if not physically since toddlers move fast, real fast.  What to do with this mental SLOW DOWN?  I don't know.

Change is not easy--and I've already talked about my difficulties with it here--so I won't belabour the point further. Oddly enough, this time around I don't find it so difficult.  Scary because of the myriad unknowns, yes, but I feel an inner calm that I don't think I have ever experienced except for a couple of times in my life when I had made equally unexpected decisions, but nonetheless felt a complete inner calm.  A couple of other times, I remember feeling a pull toward something and that same inner stillness of pure calm.  I didn't do what my heart was calling me to do.  I didn't take the leap and I've regretted it ever since.

Discernment is messy business.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church has several entries about discernment and its importance (discernment of spirits, charisms etc.), so I won't attempt to outline the details of this process here.  What I'll stick to is a meditation on how the process is working in my heart of late.

To me, discernment means thinking about where we want our life to go, measuring that up against what our feeble minds think God wants for us, and then making the necessary outward changes to match the inner changes that we've made.  Prayer helps, friends and listening ears help, taking action in small ways helps, but at a certain just have to do 'it'.

Whatever that 'it' is, it might even seem small to others, but for the person making the change there is always that one action or decision that in retrospect (and sometimes even in the present moment) was the 'can't turn back now' moment.

Am I ready in my own life to do that?  Don't know.  Which, of course, means no.

But that's okay, too.  I'll get there.

For now, the trees are a beautiful shade of orange and I'll stick with enjoying that fully until the leaves fall to the snowy, frosty ground.  When that happens, I'll know it's time to think about what lies ahead.

Happy Fall.  Check the blog for more regular entries as the cold weather and writing seem to go hand in hand.  I'll try for a once a week entry, at least.